Dynasty Idiots 3: Epic Lunacy
by Sonata-Time-Nocturne-Flare-Aoi
Summary: Complete! The heroes of the three kingdoms are at it again with their asinine antics! Witness even more crazy and dumb scenes involving your favorite heroes from the Three Kingdoms! Rated T for language and violence. Don't forget to R&R!
1. Chapter 1

**Story**: Dynasty Idiots 3: Epic Lunacy  
**Authors**: Master Jin Sonata  
**Written**: September 19th, 2009  
**Genre**: Humor  
**Rating**: T (Language, violence)  
**Disclaimer**: I do not own Koei, or their bumbling Chinese heroes

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**Chapter 1: The Wei of Silliness  
Wei Castle Throne Room**

Cao Cao sat on his throne, drinking a glass of wine when suddenly someone bursts through the doors of his royal chambers.

It was Dian Wei.

"**Lord Cao Cao, you're gonna love my ass!"** Dian Wei said proudly to him.

Cao Cao spat out his drink upon hearing those words.

"**What the hell did you just say?!" **Cao Cao demanded.

Dian Wei turns around whistles, causing a donkey to walk into the throne room shortly after.

"**See? I'd like to meet your new ride, my lord**," Dian Wei says to his leader.

"…**I sent you out to buy me a noble white steed…not some run-down donkey, you jackass,"** Cao Cao said with a sigh, face-palming at the fact that all his extra funds were spent on this.

"**Well he was on sale! Besides, he does tricks!"** Dian Wei insisted.

"…**Tricks? Oh this ought to be good…"** Cao Cao said, rolling his eyes.

Dian Wei turns around and claps his hands twice.

"**Doneky, sit!"** Dian Wei commands the animal.

The donkey immediately leaps forward, landing on top of Cao Cao's lap, nearly cutting of his circulation to his gut and became very uncomfortable as one of the donkey's hooves her dug into his crotch.

All Cao Cao could do was stare angrily at Dian Wei, a look that said 'Get this thing off of me, NOW!'

Dian Wei promptly removes the animal and smiles nervously at his lord.

"**I'll uh…see if dinner is ready, my lord**," Dian Wei said, scooting himself out of the throne room, not wanting to feel the impending wrath and anger of his lord and master.

**Mess Hall**

Meanwhile in the castle's mess hall, a very hungry Xu Zhu was in the kitchen shaking the refrigerator up and down as if it weighed nothing. This frustrated him due to the fact that a pad-lock was installed on the door.

Cao Pi, who had happened to walk by the entrance, stops and stares at Xu Zhu and the fridge from behind, taking note now of the pelvic-thrust motion that he saw from his angle.

"**What are you looking at, dear?"** Zhen Ji asks her husband as she approaches him seconds later.

"…**It's Xu Zhu…he's humping the refrigerator again…I think I'll order Chinese for dinner instead…"** Cao Pi said with a disgusted look.

**Sima Yi's Office**

Within Sima Yi's office down the hall, he was drafting out a proposal to his lord Cao Cao so he could get a pay raise and a promotion in rank.

"**Muahaha! This well-crafted proposal will ensure my much-deserved promotion up the military ladder. Now, let's review this before I send it off,"** Sima Yi said to himself.

"**That won't do…you're only setting yourself up for failure,"** said a voice behind him.

Sima Yi jumped from his seat and spun around to find his rival, Zhuge Liang standing there over his shoulder.

"**What the hell?!!? What are you doing in my office, Zhuge?!"** Sima Yi demands, catching his breath from the surprise visit.

"**You invited me here, remember? You were so into your proposal you forgot you asked for my assistance in drafting this with you. And as I already mentioned, it's no good,"** Zhuge Liang says to him.

"**Oh…well, what do you know? There's no need to make any adjustments to this, and I will prove that to you right now!"** Sima Yi says to him in an uptight manner, taking his proposal and storming out of his office.

Ten minutes later after giving his promotion pitch to Cao Coa, Sima Yi returns to his office wearing a janitor's uniform, holding a toilet brush in one hand while the scroll his proposal was written on was halfway sticking out of his mouth. He spat out the scroll and glared at Zhuge Liang.

"…**Get out…"** he said with much malice in his voice.

"**Very well, enjoy your so called 'promotion'," **Zhuge says as he casually exits his office.

"**Screw you!!!"** Sima Yi shouts back at him.

**End of Chapter 1**

**What other crazy scenes will we uncover throughout the Three Kingdoms? Please review and stay tuned!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Sun Camping Disaster Part 1  
****The Great Outdoors**

The members of the Sun family and a few other Wu officers were high up in the mountains on a camping trip, lead by Sun Jian himself. During their hike to their campsite, he listens to the talk amongst his children and friends.

"**Owie!!! Why do I have to carry everything?"** Xiao Qiao complains from the rear. On her back she carried a backpack full of everyone's camping gear that stood at least ten feet tall above her head.

"**Aw quit complaining. Just relax will you? It's the great outdoors!"** said Sun Ce, who was lying on the very top of the gear she was carrying while he sipped tea.

"**It does feel nice to get out of the castle once in a while. I hope I can spot some cute boys while we're here,"** said Sun Shang Xiang with a giggle.

"**Highly doubtful. It's the middle of nowhere. The only people you may meet are the wild animals,"** Zhou Yu comments, who walked next to her.

"**Oh, you mean like that?"** said Sun Quan, pointing to Wei Yan, who was not too far from them off trail.

"**Me…heard that…bastard!!!"** Wei Yan shouts back to them in disapproval of his remark.

After a few minutes more, they reach their campgrounds.

"**Here we are, everyone,"** Sun Jian proclaims as they had reached their destination.

However…they weren't the only ones there.

Meng Huo, Dong Zhuo, Pang De, and a large elephant were already there with their camping equipment set up.

"**You wanted men, so…"** Zhou Yu says to Sun Shang Xiang, pointing to Dong Zhuo.

Sun Shang Xiang's face turned green as she was about to puke upon seeing that fatass's face.

"**What the?! Hey! What are you doing in my campsite?!"** Sun Jian yells at the intruders.

"**Your campsite?! This is ours you punks!"** Meng Huo says to them, approaching the group.

"**Well, we aren't leaving!"** Da Qiao tells the burly men.

"**Neither are we,"** Pang De follows up.

"**Fine. We'll just set up our things over there. You better not get in our way this weekend,"** Sun Jian warns them. **"Come on guys, let's go."**

"**I guess this will be an interesting venture…what's the worse that could happen?"** Sun Ce speculates.

**End of Chapter 2 **

**Don't miss the camping failures that will follow in the next chapter! Please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Sun Camping Disaster Part 2**

Stuck with having to share the campsite with Meng Huo & his elephant, Dong Zhuo, and Pang De proved to be both a trial and a source of entertainment for the Sun family.

**Tea-Time**

Sun Quan was taking a leak in the bushes. After he was finished with his business, he grabs some nearby leaves to clean himself up with. Zhou Yu, who happens to walk by, stopped and looks at him.

"**Quan…you do know that there are poison ivy leaves near you, don't you?"** Zhou Yu reminds him.

"**Don't worry Zhou, I had your wife to remove them from the area, grind them up, and serve it as tea to that fatass over there,"** he responded, pointing to Dong Zhuo, who was sipping a cup of tea Xiao Qiao made for him.

For the next two hours, Dong Zhuo was seen back-humping a nearby tree like a crack-addict, apparently scratching himself as his whole body was red and itchy from all the poison ivy he consumed.

**Poor Sun Jian **

Sun Jian had finished taking a bath in a nearby lake, and walks back to the cliff by the campsite, wearing nothing but a towel around his waste. He stretches his arms as yells out to the skies.

"**I'm the king of the world!!!"** Sun Jian proclaims to the heavens.

Meng Huo, who was near his campsite, was eating a coconut, and after he was finished, tossed it over his shoulder…

**BONK!!!**

**"WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH"**

…hitting Sun Jian in the head and knocking him off of the cliff, tumbling all the way down.

Out of nowhere, Sun Ce runs up to the cliff and yells down to his dad.

"**FATHER!!!" **Sun Ce calls out. (Cookie to any who knows this reference)

"**Ce? What are you doing here? You're not supposed to appear until chapter five of this fic!"** Sun Shang Xiang asks him out of curiosity.

"**I dunno…I'm usually the one who always witness my dad's death in every game…" **Sun Ce responds.

Meng Huo comes by the cliffside to see what the ruckus is about, and looks over the side where the now-naked Sun Jian lies.

"**Ugh…somebody cover him back up…"** Meng Huo says in disgust.

**It's A Gas**

Later that night after everyone had gone to sleep, Xiao Qiao was tossing and turning in her sleep, not enjoying sleeping on the hard dirt ground. She woke up and turns to her left. It was pitch dark and she couldn't see well.

"**Ooh…Zhou Yu dear…got any extra pillows I could use?"** she asks him tiredly.

There was no response.

"**Zhou Yu…aren't you awake?"** she asks again, poking at what she thought was her husband.

Still no answer.

"**Dear…wake up!!!"** she says, raising her hand and slapping her partner hard.

**BRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!!**

Unfortunately it was not Zhou Yu who she had just hit, but Meng Huo's elephant in the butt, who let out a huge-ass fart that sent Xiao Qiao literally flying out of her sleeping bag.

On the opposite side of the elephant you could hear Pang De, Dong Zhuo, and Meng Huo snickering to each other.

"**Great plan of mine to switch your elephant with that little girl huh?"** Pang De said in amusement.

Suddenly, Sun Quan, who saw the whole thing, took out a sharp camping-spike and sticks it into the elephant's ass in revenge of the whole incident.

"**BRRRRREEEEEEEEE!!!!"** the elephant trumpets in pain, jumping into the air and landing on top of all three of the pranksters with a loud crash, crushing them all.

**The Next Morning **

"**That's it!!! We're going home!"** Sun Quan said in frustration.

Both groups of campers were packing their things, already tired of each side screwing around with one another.

"**Yeah, good riddance, losers!"** Dong Zhuo says to them.

This camping trip ended on a sour note…but these two groups will unknowingly encounter each other again later in this series.

**End of Chapter 3**

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**Stay tuned for the next chapter! Please review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: That Don't Impress Me Much!**

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At was late in the evening in the Shu force's encampment.

Liu Bei had just concluded a meeting with his fellow officers and decided to take him a nice bath in the lake...alone.

After undressing down to his shorts, Liu Bei began to enter the shallow waters when he heard a shout behind him.

"**Hey brother! Whatcha doing out there?"** called Zhang Fei, standing on top of the hill above him.

"**Oh its you, Zhang. I'm about to take a bath, so would you mind if I had a little…"** Liu Bei began to answer when he was interrupted.

"…**A little company? Sure I'll give you some company, bro!"** Zhange Fei responds as he began to run toward the lake, undressing himself completely in the process.

"**Oh dear…"** Liu Bei said with a sigh as his brash friend does a cannonball into the water, getting Liu Bei completely soaked.

"**Man this water feels great! We should invite some of the others here with us and bathe together! Whaddaya say bro?"** Zhang Fei said, giving Liu Bei a playful punch to the shoulder, which ends up knocking him into the water with a splash.

"**Blagh!"** Liu Bei sputters, arising from beneath the waters and spitting a fish that swam into his mouth. **"No, wait Zhang Fei, we don't need any more…" **he tried to speak.

"**HEY EVERYONE! BATH PARTY AT THE LAKE!"** Zhang Fei yells out to the others back at camp.

Within seconds, a stampede of feet was heard as majority of the male Shu officers appeared atop of the hill, all of them undressing and preparing to join the two in the lake.

"**Oh man…"** Liu Bei grumbles in disbelief.

Once everyone was in the lake, Zhang Fei began to speak once again.

"**Hey everyone, Liu Bei is the only one who's not completely bare like the rest of us!"** Zhang Fei says, pointing to Liu Bei's shorts, whom he still had on.

"**Well well, looks like someone might be a bit shy to show his stuff, hmmm?" **said Pang Tong, who still had on his weird hat concealing his face.

"_**Look who's talking…"**_ Liu Bei mutters in response.

"**ME…NOT…AFRAID…TO SHOW…MANHOOD!"** Wei Yan says in response.

"**My lord, surely your spear is as mighty as ours?"** Zhao Yun asks his leader.

"**My spear? What on earth are you talking about?"** Liu Bei says, sounding offended.

"**Do not be so object, my lord. Remember we are your allies, and thus, should not be ashamed to share your secrets,"** Zhuge Liang says to him.

After a brief moment of silence, Liu Bei sighs and gives in to the pressure from his officers.

"**Alright, I'll take them off…"** Liu Bei said rather unenthusiastically, removing his shorts and looking back at all the others.

Immediately everyone around him all gasps in awe and horror.

"**MY WORD… IT'S LONGER THAN MY BEARD"** Guan Yu replies in utter shock.

"**WHOA!!! I NEVER KNEW MAN!!!"** Ma Chao replies, stumbling backwards.

"…**Can we please just finish bathing already?"** Liu Bei said, his face all beet-red with discomfiture.

Afterwards when everyone had finished bathing, Liu Bei got himself dry, dressed, and decided to turn in for the night. Once he entered his tent, someone was already inside waiting for him.

It was every single male officer within the Dynasty Warriors universe.

"**WHAT IN THE WORLD?"** Liu Bei yells.

"**Lord Bei, we all heard about your…little secret, so we all came to learn more,"** said one of the men.

"**ZHAAAAAAAANG FEEEEEEEIIIII!!!!"** Liu Bei yells at the top of his lungs.

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**End of Chapter 4**

**Stay tuned for the next chapter! Please review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Horse-Crap!**

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Dong Zhuo, Lu Bu, and Red Hare were all within the dining hall of Dong Zhuo's castle eating dinner. After Lu Bu had finished, he stood up from the table and grabbed his spear.

"**I'm heading out to trash some more unsuspecting peons in front of Hu Lao Gate. Don't forget to feed Red Hare for me, will you?"** Lu Bu says to Dong Zhuo before heading out.

_"**Don't forget to feed Red Hare…"** _Dong Zhuo mimics in a mocking tone to what Lu Bu just told him**. "Bah, I'm not feeding that damn horse anything! It's bad enough Lu Bu insists he lives inside the castle with us…"** Dong Zhuo said, giving the giant horse a disgruntled stare.

"**Man you better get up off yo fatass and feed me, boy!"** replied Red Hare.

Dong Zhuo spat out the food in his mouth after hearing what he thought was Red Hare talking just now.

"**What the hell? Did you just say something, horse?"** Dong Zhuo says to Red Hare, giving him a suspicious look.

"**What are you, deaf or something? Of course I can talk, homie!"** Red Hare responds in a matter-of-fact tone.

Dong Zhuo then got a brilliant idea, apparent from his evil smile spreading across his face.

"**A talking horse…I could make a fortune selling this stupid animal on the Black Han Market!"** the fat ruler schemes.

"**You say something, Gourmando?"** Red Hare responds, catching wind of Dong Zhuo's scheme.

"**Shut-up! It's none of your business!" **Dong Zhuo responds.

"**Oh hell no! You did NOT tell _me _to shut up,"** Red Hare shot back, immediately kicking away the table with its hind legs, causing all of Dong Zhuo's dinner to splatter all over him.

"**GAH!!! Inconsiderate beast! I ought to send you to the glue factory for this!"** Dong Zhuo replies angrily, wiping a bunch of gravy off of his face.

"**And you should haul your dimply ass to the nearest Weight Watchers! Man you're so fat, you got more rolls than a pastry cart!" **Red Hare counters.

"**That's it!!!"** Dong Zhuo says, reaching for his sword. **"I'll make horse-jerky out of you!"** he threatens.

"**Oh no you don't! Cuz I got my homies with me. Check it out,"** Red Hare says, giving a loud whistle.

Within seconds, two more horses enter into the dining hall: Shadow Runner and Hex Mark.

"**Yo, what up H?"** said Hex.

"**Yo guys! This Oompa-Loompa here wanna be startin' sonmethin'! Let's teach this baller a lesson!"** said Red Hare.

"**Uh oh…um…eheheheh…nice horsies…"** Dong Zhuo said in nervousness as the three horses encroach upon him as they each pull out equestrian-style whips.

A couple hours later, Lu Bu returns home, and enters the dining hall once more to check on his horse.

Instead he finds Dong Zhuo severely beaten, tied, gagged, and stripped down to his bunny-rabbit boxer shorts.

Lu Bu simply stares at the incident before turning away as if he did not know what to think of the situation.

**End of Chapter 5**

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**Stay tuned for the next chapter! Please review!**


	6. Chapter 6

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Chapter 6: Jungle Fever Part 1

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Down in the depths of the Nanman Jungle, Meng Huo was just waking up from a nice long slumber. As he got out of bed, he noticed his wife Zhu Rong wasn't laying next to him.

"**Huh? Where's my wife? Did she stay out all night drinking again?"** Meng Huo wonders as he stood and made his way toward the front entrance of his tent.

Before he could step outside, his wife Zhu Rong suddenly ran inside and nearly crashes into him, looking slightly tipsy, but straight enough to function properly.

"**Honey? Where have you been? I was starting to get worried about you!"** Meng Huo said in a whiney tone. **"So how about some breakfast?"**

"**Hey baby! Wanna go out on a night on the town later and do what we did last night?"** said a voice outside that strangely resembled that of Huang Gai.

"**Just shut up and I'll call you later!!!"** Zhu Rong yells to the person outside, before turning to her husband. **"Don't worry about me right now you oaf! You have bigger issues to worry about!" **Zhu Rong says sternly to his husband.

"**Bigger issues? But dear, what could possibly be bigger than my appetite right now?"** Meng Huo whines like a baby.

Zhu Rong groans and pulls open the drapes behind her. **"Go and see for yourself."**

"**Huh?"** Meng Huo says as he walks outside of his tent to take a look at what she was talking about.

**BRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPP!!!!!**

Meng Huo was immediately met in the face with a gargantuan blast of liquid poop from his own pet elephant.

"**EYUCK!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!"** Meng Huo yells out, trying to wipe the slimy crap out of his eyes.

"**It's called diarrhea. It's running rampant all over the jungle, everyone has it,"** Zhu Rong tells him.

"**Great…I'll go call a doctor right away…" **Meng Huo groans as he turns and slumps back into his tent.

**End of Chapter 6**

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**Stay tuned for the next chapter! Please review!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: Jungle Fever Part 2**

An hour later after Meng Huo sent one of his soldiers to the Three Kingdom's to consult a doctor, the soldier returns with…

"**ZHANG JIAO? WHY HELL IS THAT ZEALOT WITH YOU?"** Meng shouts furiously at his soldier.

"**Sir! He's the only person available at the time,"** the soldier explains.

"**Grrr….alright, Zhang Jiao, I want you to cure my elephants and men from this…darea…? Diorama…? Diplomacy…?"** Meng Huo tries to remember the name of the disease.

**"Would it happen to be dinoplasty? Dick Dastardly Syndrome? Doritos Dip?"** Zhang Jiao tries to speculate as well.

"**IT'S _DIARRHEA _YOU IMBECILES!"** Zhu Rong yells at both men.

"**Ohhhhhhh,"** both Meng Huo and Zhang Jiao say simultaneously.

"**Do no worry, fellow non-believers! I shall fix this unholy ailment!"** Zhang Jiao ensures everyone.

Waving around his staff and reciting a bunch of psychobabble in the process, he releases a shockwave of energy that spread across the farthest reaches of the jungle.

Both Meng Huo and Zhu Rong look at one another.

"…**Well are my men and elephant cured or what?"** Meng Huo demands.

"**Yes, fellow non-believer! My heavenly powers never fail me!"** Zhang Jiao ensures them.

Out of nowhere, Meng Huo's elephant trots over to him and began to poop all over him…

…but it wasn't feces that came out. Instead it was…

"…**CANDY? MY ELEPHANT IS NOW SHITTING CANDY? WHAT THE HELL MAN?"** Meng Huo yells from underneath a small mound of candy and sweets that came from his elephant's ass.

All around them, all of Nanman tribesmen were seen hurling candy and other various delectable sweets from their mouths.

Meng Huo and Zhu Rong weren't pleased.

"**Um…heheheh…that'll be 5000 gold pieces?" **Zhang Jiao said with an uneasy smile.

Seconds later, Zhang Jiao was seen running for his life as the entire Nanman population was pursuing him to get him to fix them of their latest problem: Candy-Itis.

**End of Chapter 7**

**This concludes the Dynasty Idiots Saga!**

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**The End!**

**This installment is done! Please review, and thanks for reading!**


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